One year on

(written on jul 1st 2012)

The work of a mum never ends. Even after the kids are tucked into bed there are things to be prepared for the next day, there are stuff to plan (groceries, meals, activities with kids, reflections).
I never quite felt the full impact of motherhood till I came here. Only because I am not working and no one else other than Ww helps with the cleaning and childcare. It's so different in SG when having meals settled is so easy, even ordering tingkat isn't too bad. Over here we hardly eat out, and as little as twice a month.

All is not impossible. Just a matter of getting used to and finding a system that works. It's just that the drastic change does require some getting used to. It did help loads when my mil was here for 3 months to help out and I didn't meal plan at all. What pleasure! Not that I don't like cooking but to make sure that there is a cooked meal everyday does keep me quite busy! I do spend about 1hr almost every night preparing food (chop/marinate), unloading the dishwasher, sorting the kitchen and ending with ice cream and tea :)

A drastic change definitely.

I do miss parts of my SG life, particularly family and friends, and of course the food! It will be another year till we return, hopefully!

It's has also been an exciting (and occasionally tremulous) year with Emily. Dealing with her sleep was very stressful for me and it definitely rubbed off on Eliza as well. We managed to cope with lots of desperate prayers, going out for walks (while I Beco Emily to sleep), and a lot of support from Ww. Even Eliza will pray that mummy won't be so exhausted and that Emily will sleep well.

Things to do

Calmer mornings
Why are mornings so rushed?? There's much to do and not always what I can do tue night before. So what do I do in the mornings?
- bathroom preps
- take the laundry out to wash so that I can hang it when I come home after sending Eliza off to sch
- get eliza's clothes ready
- make everyone's bfast
- Change emily's diapers
- take out and pack Ww's lunch (or cook sometimes!)
- final packing of eliza's lunch box on sch days
- clear away containers left out to dry
- take out food to be cooked for the day, some minor preps for stuff that I can't do the night before.
- get Eliza to set the table (after she has used the bathroom)

Phew! No wonder I don't cook breakfast in the mornings!

Being a mum, no longer myself

I've been a mum 4 years plus (yup as long as Eliza existed), then i had my mil to help. Ww and I would still have our weekly date nights out to eat, drink coffee, shop - just us. Now with being on our own, and Emily being really stuck on me, it's something i don't think we'll do for quite a while.

I love this article from Mumheart, about embracing and letting go. She writes:
" I sometimes find myself grasping for my former independence. Those moments point me toward the eternal reality that my life is not my own, but Christ's. I am his. In his grace, he has given me to the devoted service and love of my family - as a wife, and as a mother."


It is. My life is not my own. It takes having children to understand it. And I wouldn't understand the fullness of it, if i'm still in SG and having help (great help too!). The beauty of the 'independence' is that it pushes you to learn things, depending on the kindness of others, and also to depend on God even more. In tough times, when Emily doesn't sleep, or Eliza acts up, or Emily is cranky (and I just can't figure out why), or there's meals to plan to cook, or chores to be done, or...the list is endless.

Sometimes I just gotta stand back and enjoy the buzz of it all. In some pockets of the day I play with Emily, watching her explore, tumble on me, chuckle. Love those moments. Or I listen to Eliza's stuffed friend telling me stories. I relish in those times i take to listen to them, to BE with them.

"And that's part of the beautiful and painful journey of motherhood.

It's about refinement and sacrifice. It's about recognizing my inability and selfishness, and then pressing hard onward, completely enveloped in His grace."

I have my selfishness, I want to read and read, go out shopping on my own, yah...on my own..no one to take care of, or spend uninterrupted time talking with friends, do my own hobbies etc.

But i know there will be that time. I shall enjoy this season when my kids are young and adorable, when they need me loads, when they are at this age that passes oh-so-quickly. This season will not come again.

God grant me the grace to do all these and run the household, cook healthy meals for my family, give them myself yet learn how to do all that and find my peace and strength in quietness.

Pursuing beauty

I read this and just wanted to note it down so i am placing it here.
It came from this blog in my email feed that i really enjoy reading and being encouraged.

"

The Bible starts “In the beginning God created…”

In nature we can see God’s grandeur and beauty – we cannot watch television and experience this.

God is the source of beauty.

Whatever keeps us from his beauty keeps us from his presence.

Sally and Sarah tag teamed as they gave practical ways to express beauty inside our homes.

1. You can read books together – to make books even more beautiful – do it beside a fireplace with a warm glow.

2. You can serve the family a warm dinner – but if you add a candle and some light music it becomes an event.

3. Take the time to make holidays extra special – celebrate life together – this builds a beautiful strong foundation.

4. Read good books – you can only give to your children what you already possess inside. Good books are essential not a frivolity.

5. Expose your children to the best things – the best art, best people, best books, and the best thoughts."

I love No.4 & No.5. No.1 doesn't work cos we don't have a fireplace but we snuggle up in Eliza's bed, on the sofa, or at the dinner table to read. And coming to Canberra, away from the hustle and bustle of the city, there's so much more of God's creation to admire as nature is so much more around us (including large fuzzy spiders which we saw on our car window...yikes!). 

God is amazing. As Eliza puts it from her voice over with her Hello Kitty

HK: Who made the clouds?

Me: Ask Eliza

Eliza: God made the clouds

HK: Wow! I love God! 

Prayers too small

We pray with Eliza every night. And most of the time we pray for ah-ma's back, for her hurt leg, for my sore wrist etc. At some point i get that nagging feeling that it should all not be it. I try to encourage her to thank God first before all these requests (even though the requests are not always hers). And i was greatly reminded when i heard H pray for teachable, obedient and happy hearts; which reminded me that our hearts are the most important as it is the wellspring of life. And so i started to pray for our hearts.

Today I have been discouraged by the past 3 nights when it was a struggle to get Emily to sleep. I rationalized what is causing her lack of sleep. Is it because she wasn't sleeping enough in the day? Is it because of that 3rd late afternoon nap she took on Thursday and that started the bad nights? Is it a wonder week...as she was learning a lot of new things this week, like sitting up, crawling faster, pulling herself up, trying to cruise, self-feeding etc? It doesn't help that my mil questioned the state of cleaniness of the house. She asked "is it because the house is not clean enough?"...wait the cleaniness of the house is related to her sleep? (maybe..but we have been staying her for half a year already). And she hinted today that i don't clean Emily well enough cos when she was taking care of Eliza she'll wash her bottom every morning, bath her twice a day (i bathe Emily once a day only) etc etc. And that not cleaning enough is causing all the rashes and her eczema. She feels that the carpet is very dirty and Emily crawls on it and it makes her skin worse. (maybe?). Sigh...Wait...we are talking about sleep. I know i'm disgruntled. God forgive me. The last thing i need is to have someone blame Emily's difficulty to sleep on me not taking care of her well enough.

Anyway i have been having a baby who refused to be patted to sleep or her head rubbed or be sung to. She'll push away my hand and scream louder. When i carry her, she arches her back and bends backwards, making it difficult for me to even rock her. I am at a loss. No snuggle? No patting? How else can i calm her down? Thankfully, nursing her does. So out goes the "no nursing to sleep" rule. If it calms her down, i'll take it any day. Maybe she's hungry. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt (even though she just nursed 1 hour ago).

Every baby is different, isn't it? Eliza wasn't a exceptionally easy baby either..but Emily oh...a good challenge to my soul. She helps me turn to God and pray. Pray hard.

And in Manna for Mums devotion today, i read and was encouraged to pray for spiritual things. How could I have forgotten?

"Our prayers tend to be small. Limited. We ask for money to pay the bills, for physical health, or for a new job. Granted, those are all good things, and we should bring these requests to God when they arise. But if all we pray for is physical or material things, we’re missing a huge part of what prayer is supposed to be about.
....

Will you try something with me this week? Let’s ask God to open our eyes to the spiritual blessings we’re missing out on because we don’t ask. Let’s ask Him to show us what kinds of spiritual things we need to be praying about. Then, let’s ask Him to grant us the desire to do so, and the ability to remember to engage in this new habit."

 - praying for gentleness with Emily
- praying for spiritual wisdom to know what to do when Emily cries / doesn't sleep
- praying for spiritual strength to last the trying moments
- praying for spiritual words to encourage Eliza and guide her when she disobeys
- to be kindness and gentleness in times when she needs my attention but i'm too busy.

Night owl me

I am a night owl...even when i was working, i could stay up till 1-2am doing what-i-can't-remember. Oh yes occasionally it was work (unfortunately). It is my down time..time to catch up on reading stuff, on planning, on preparing, on resting, on just surfing. I don't really watch tv unless there's a favourite show like Amazing race or if i get swept up in chasing some drama serial. So i'm not really feeling deprived not having a tv around plus it is a good thing for Eliza as she doesn't accidently watch violent or tempting (the toys! haha)  or weird advertisements/shows. Of course she used to watch when the tv was on and would ask questions or remember how to sing almost the entire "爱" show song. 

So now i'm using my nights to prep for the next week's activities aka homeschooling. When my mil leaves, it'll be back to preparing food and chatting with Ww. heh. So hopefully i'll have time do to so then. 

My heart is heavy.
A dear friend has passed away today.

We have been praying with her in this difficult journey when she broke the news to us during our bi-weekly sisters sharing. It took me a while to take this in. We read everywhere of people who have cancer, people we do not know, or even people we know but not that close. And then it hit me, my friend, who is still so young, has cancer.

She has been sharing about trying for a baby prior to all this and was having problems doing so. At that point, it seemed that recovery is possible that she can still have a child in future. She adores children and Eliza, who doesn't warm up to people easily (that's when she's 2-3yrs old), once hung out with her in the sunday school room doing craft, just both of them. Wow, she managed to get Eliza to do that!

And then one bad news after another, then cancer spread to the bone, and brain etc. But everytime I see her she's so cheerful, so humble, so welcoming. Never a word of complaint. Maybe in her private times she has had her struggles and tears, uncertainties and regret. But she always asked of me, of Eliza and Emily. Even when we moved to another country far away, we have communicated via whatsapp and she always asking how i am and how their girls are and that she misses them so much.

Everytime i ask her how she is and how she's taking the chemo etc, she'll always reply in thanksgiving to God. She'll always worry about her parents worrying about her and know that they may not take the news well too. In one of her replies to me, she has said that God has been wonderful to her, giving her a peaceful mind to handle all this.

I know she is with the Lord, she is painfree and in peace. Still it doesn't take away the sadness of losing such a kind and endearing friend. It must be loads more difficult for her husband who has been such a wonderful source of strength for her and has always been with her as much as he can, insisting he drive her to her to the hospital even when he has work and her mum/mil can go with her.

Losing a loved one is never ever easy. I know one day it will come. Just not so fast please.

There are some days

There are some days you just don't wanna do anything.
Tonight is one of those days.
As much as Emily's sleeping is improving, she has started having the runny nose that Eliza had had three days ago. Sigh..so a stuffy nose night, praying she will still sleep well at night despite this. Had a hard time getting her to sleep...poor gal. It didn't help that we decided to check out the Nara festival that starts at 5pm today and came home late...late like 730pm? That's not late in singapore terms but late in our terms with a baby that sleeps at 7pm (which means winding down by 630pm). Eliza's still quite flexible so even though she didn't take a nap today, (and i tried to get her to have it but she isn't tired enough), we sent her to sleep by 8pm. Usually we'll send her to sleep earlier, at about 730pm.

This is really so different in SG where 7pm is nothing near bedtime...cos 7pm is like the time you start to do stuff, cos it's after work time, time to catch up with friends time, tv time etc. Maybe over here cos most of our friends aren't here, and with two kids to take care of (and no help from my mil like before), the kids sleep early, and our nights are seemingly longer cos they sleep early! So i get to do my cooking preps like chopping vegs/meat/fruits. Really food preparation is quite tedious!

So tonight i decided to give food prep a pass and will do tuna puff pastry tomorrow for lunch...and prob pull out the frozen stash of food for dinner. Wanted to do tortilla roll but it needs some preps which i don't really want to do tonight.

Some things to do in the coming week:
- prepare Emily's first food! rice cereal! wonder whether to grind it or just cook it directly...sooo many ways to do it till i'm so confused. I'm trying not to buy packaged ready made foods (including our meals as it is cheaper to cook from the 'original' foods than buying ready-made ones)
- plan Eliza's day. REALLY gotta plan, it is so much better when i have some activites and special things for her to do & learn. Even playdoh/painting/puzzle time.
- Emily's sleep. It has been a week trying to get Emily's sleep in order and I foresee there will be more to come, like getting her to take her 20min nap (when will she outgrow this?), and then Beco-ing her to get the rest of the nap cos she is still tired but can't get back to sleep in her cot.
- food price comparison. trying to list unit costs down so i don't forget as the numbers seem so similar.
- plan our meals more specifically. So that i'm not like planning what to cook the night before.
- print photos for photo frames. Something i've been so slow at starting to get it done....

Impatience

This whole packing thing consumes me. Add on having to take care of a kid and a baby doesn't make it easier. I have a baby that can only fall asleep when we carry her, rock her and walk around. Then I also have a kid who whines and whines it gets to my nerves. She's also having difficulties with obedience too. We have had 3 "meltdowns" with regards to this. And I have threatened to rake out the cane more often than I ever had in her 3.5 years. It doesn't help that at the same time, I am so busy I am neglecting her. Plus we are trying to learn to be more independent with regards to her sleep. That she doesn't need to see me when she wakes up. Like today, she woke up twice and whined and cried cos she didn't see me. I, can't stand that crying, scolded her instead. It doesn't help that the 1st time round I was trying to get Emily to sleep and her crying woke Emily up. My mum said I should comfort her but I don't want to encourage that behavior. I do at the end but not until she stops crying on her own.
Essentially, I am irritated. I don't want to have to be in the room waiting for her to sleep and esp when it can take up to one hour! That is after our talk and prayer! And i feel that my presence in the room makes it worse. I guess having packing to do and baby to take care of, I am super impatient and frustrated with her like that.

Sigh...I really do hope that she'll learn to sleep on her own in her room soon. This is also our fault that we cultivated that expectation that we need to be beside her when she sleeps. She can't accept that while we are not in the room we are still in the house. I guess now is also not the time to teach these esp when there's so many changes. I hope I don't make the same mistake with Emily.

Getting ready for Emily's arrival

It's the anticipation. We have gotten ready my mil to take care of Eliza, gotten all the food stuffs ready for the confinement food. I've packed my hospital bag. I've gone through with Eliza a few times to prepare her for these few days, we've read a book on arrival of baby. But we know not what will happen...how will Emily's arrival be. We have somewhat planned her arrival...somewhat like Eliza's (just that we have waited and waited for Eliza to arrive till the delivery had to be induced). This time the labour might also be induced for many reasons...because we wanted enough time to prepare to leave for australia, to be able to have good buffer time to make the kids passports (1week+), apply for visa (4-6weeks). Also because we hope that i would have finished my confinement period before Ww leaves and that we can do Emily's 1st month celebration before he leaves. So ideally, 1st may would be great so if Emily decides to come out earlier spontaneously that will be great. But then my gynae is going to be away on thursay! argh..so we likely brought forward her arrival 3 days earlier. I'm not sure...but we'll talk with our gynae later.

Looking forward to see Emily though! :) praying for a smooth and safe delivery, and a healthy little girl.