My brush with Ectopic pregnancy - part 1

I'm typing this from my ward in SGH because there's no tv here, and it's kinda boring. If you do not know what ectopic pregnancy is about...an ectopic pregnancy occurs when the fertilised egg attaches itself outside the cavity of the uterus (womb). check out more in here or here. Actually i kinda knew what it is because i watched on Discovery Home & Health of some woman who had one for years without discovering about it.

Anyway the idea of what happened was so remote none of us (even our friends) expected it. So this is the long story of what happened. I'm sorry to bore anyone and everyone who reads this. But i'm just writing cos i want to write it all down..
In short, (if you want to save time not reading the lengthy description), i had a ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and caused internal bleeding. So i had to go for an emergency operation to clear the blood that was all over inside, and remove my right fallopian tube to save me. But i'm ok now and recovering.

Monday:
I was having tired spells where i would want to sleep by 11pm the past few days so i was suspecting that i was pregnant. I told Ww on sunday abt my suspicions and though maybe i could do the home preg test...on next saturday? Anyway i didn't and curiousity got the better of me and i did it monday morning. msg-ed Ww abt the good new on my way to work and wondered how long i shall keep mum before breaking the news.
Had cramps on and off the whole day but it was quite bearable though i didn't really know why.

Tuesday morning:
Wanted to get to work early to get some work done and managed to arrive at work at 830am with a bad stomache. Rushed to toilet to poop which i was quite relieved. But somehow didn't solve the pain. Somehow i started to break out in cold sweat and felt quite nauseous. I managed to rest a bit at my desk till 9am before i went to see a doctor. Really don't know what on earth is happening to me. Felt really pale and J was saying my lips were white.
I arrived at the clinic in one piece, thankfully. I felt better while i sat and waited for my turn. The doc ruled out diarrhoea as i mentioned that i was pregnant. He suggested i quickly have a ultrasound scan there or go see my gynae for a ultrasound scan. I managed to make an appt with my gynae at 12pm though the doc say it maybe too late. The recep at ACJ said i can see him asap. Still felt ok then, so i went to pay at the clinic counter. That was my first fainting spell. The next thing i knew, i was lying on the sofa. The doctor wanted to call the ambulance but i insisted i could juz call my colleague and we can just take a cab. (i thought it was too incovenient to call an ambulance cos i didn't think it was really serious, and then the thought of going to A&E & waiting really long for my turn wasn't too good either).
Problem was the second time round, i passed out again, while i was trying to get out. This time there was no argument about getting the ambulance since i couldn't even make it out of the clinic! As long as i was lying down i felt perfectly fine.

I msged Ww in the ambulance on my way to tell him that i'm going to SGH and not KK hospital and told him to call me, just in case he got to the wrong hospital.

(con't on friday...at home)

Tuesday late morning:
I was wheeled into the A&E immediately once we reached there. They were really quite fast, and there were a lot of questions to be answered. "is this your 1st pregnancy? are you single or married? are you allergic to any drugs...?" Then there were blood tests, and they checked my blood pressure (BP) regularly, and then it's the machine checking my vital heart beat and i'm not sure what else. I was kinda relieved when the doctor came cos there's someone who can diagnose what was going on. He pressed my lower abdomen here and there, and asked when he released, if it hurt more. (of cos it does..interestingly..somehow they knew what to check huh?). Did a postural BP which failed cos i couldn't even stand up without fainting. Basically, my blood pressure (BP) has been quite low about 70+ - 80+ range, where a normal range is 100+

Eventually, he told me that it could be an ectopic pregnancy, and that they're going to get the gynae to check and confirm it. I think after that he went out to tell Ww who was outside. (interesting how bored you are that u'll evesdrop on every conversation and comment the doctors and nurses make).

Ww did make his way in to the A&E critical and resusciatation section even though visitors weren't allowed. he couldn't stay long over there though cos it was supposed to be out of bounds but he was telling me he had better see me first, just in case.

Anyway, by then i have been waiting for a while and the gynae finally did come. Still, he couldn't see what was happening clearly with the ultrasound. So he had to call the senior gynae, who did a v.ultrasound and confirmed the diagnosis. By then my tummy had sharp pains when i breathe too hard. Another doctor came and explained what is going to happen, and what is happening. Basically, there was a rupture and there was bleeding inside so i'll need to be sent for an emergency operation to stop the bleeding and also remove my right fallopian tube. The gynae also explained that, i'll still have a 66% chance of conveiving in future. (i think they said more things but i couldn't remember them)

After that things seemed to happen quite fast. I was wheeled to the O&G department where a sonographer got clearer pics of what's really happening with the better ultrasound. They got me changed and asked me more questions, signed some things, and then i was in the operating waiting area. The anesthesist came and asked me more questions, explained to me what will be happening while i was being wheeled into the operating theatre.

All the while i was feeling cold, maybe it's cos the loss of blood, and less clothes on, and the really cold air-con. I had to explain that i was shivering not cos i was scared but cos i was freezing. So was i on the operating table, so they put this warmer under me. While the warmer was a warm relief, turning left & right for them to slot that under me hurt the most, such that i squirmed in pain. By then, the pain in my tummy hurt. But by then, i was going under general anesthesia and i was unconscious all the way. I woke up after the operation vaguely hearing them saying i was having rashes all over, probably due to the reaction to the morphin or the blood transfusion. and then i slept again...

people in my life

this has not moved much since Eliza but i try to pop in here and there when i can. i always have so much in my mind to write about but by the time i reach here, i forget it all. i wonder why. so reading some other friends blog gives me some inspiration...or revives some of my poor memory. sigh...

Anyway, life has been quite of a nice routine, occasional outings and gatherings with friends. Still, sometimes i find the circle of friends not really growing much. And wherever they are, i treasure them much. We try to meet up when we can though, say, 4 times a year isn't quite a lot eh? My most frequent gathering is surely my cell, whom i really enjoy being with. Then occasionally after church lunch bro&sis. Then it's also...
- '81 gang - of whom many got married last year and we're expanding the clan. hohoho...
- party of 5 - my JC classmates...though now there's only 4 of us in SG, one in SH)
- Yan - my ex-colleague...whom i like going to lunch/dinner/shopping/mani/pedi with and talk about latest happenings in our ex-office, her clients etc etc
- Novmummies - though sometimes i feel like i just can't catch up with them (or the forum postings), their sharing & friendship has been a great help and encouragement through my mummyhood
- T & S - my ex-ex company colleagues...and though we meet quite little...it's nice to catch up with them once in a while...T has gone to TW for 2yrs cos her hubby's there...ahh..so nice..
- current and ex-colleagues of current co - somehow working together with people brings people together, not all though. but i really enjoy my this bunch of fun-loving colleagues, though i'm not that 'young' to be as active as them sometimes. my two closer buddies were recently retrenched and i was quite sad with their departure. and...meeting up isn't as easy as i wish to. will find time, i hope!

that's all..geesh...the rest are people, though with a short period of connection, we aren't really committed to meet up much so aren't much close.

of course there's family. my mum & sis. my dad & sis. Ww's sis & sons.

I'm bored

I'm not bored cos i don't have anything to do. I'm bored because i'm not motivated to do anything.

See these stuff i want to do:
1. Print new flash card words in English & Chinese
2. Make Eliza's birthday invite
3. Create photo book
4. Do my financial plan
...
i can't remember what i want to do already.

Still i have been procrastinating doing these things for the longest time! argh!

For me, when i want to do something, i've always got to be inspired. How i feel about doing it is more powerful than how my mind thinks i should do it. Currently, I'm uninspired. I don't know why.

Ww has been on his 2nd weekend at Vietnam for the school trip, and while i kinda enjoy the quiet evenings after Eliza goes to sleep. I miss not having him around to banter with and just have his presence around. Maybe it's cos of this?

Anyway i feel haphazard now.

Eliza's such a joy. To see her beam at you, respond to what you say or ask of her, or watch her discover new skills, it's such an exciting journey. Yet sometimes i wonder what interesting stuff i can do with her. When we're home, it's usually play at the living room, bedroom or her room..wherever in the house. And it's also making sure she doesn't pick up things on the floor to eat!

I even started playing online games for the 1st time in 11mths.
(see how bored i am)

ok i'm sleepy already...maybe it's time to zzz

Randoms

My first leather wallet. It took me so long to decide on it. After all i haven't really spent so much on a wallet before. Actually i was also deciding on this long one or the other normal wallet-y squarish kinda wallet. In the end, the vote goes to this one even though it's more expensive, i love the strap at the end, so i can sling it when i go out for lunch.
I'm hoping this lasts a long long time.
Guy Laroche for $95, after discount.

Honestly the colour of the photo doesn't reflect the real thing. But for once, i love my wallet. Hmm...not that i hated the rest of the wallets i had, it's just mediocre, maybe.

Then i ran out of things to do online...
So i finally got down to read the Real Simple Family (special issue) that i bought weeks ago at Borders. Checked out some cool websites...and this! I didn't know there was a kids room website too!
Check out Ohdeedoh
If i have loads of time...i can surf this and these websites (see below) for hours on end...and dream dream dream. It's mad, but i love these spaces and wish i can have all of them. or live in all of them.
The other really cool spaces are:
Apartment Thearpy
Unplggd
re-nest
the Kitchen
decor8

Somehow i wonder if it's the way the present the page & photograph it that makes me fall in love with the spaces shown in these websites. It always feels so homely.

Someday i wish to have a house with tall windows and loads of light, high but not too high ceilings and large but not too large space. Even though i tell Ww that it's not too fun to have a house because there's more structural issues to deal with(ie. roof problems, foundation problems, piping problems etc) compared to a flat/condo, in my imaginations and dreams i would love to own a summer house.

I like this...

even though it looks like a showroom...so many of these rooms and beautiful wall decals. I wish i have the ability to illustrate these beautiful artworks...and so create my own line of wall decals. but alas, my illustration skills have flown to pluto.

New directions

It's really wonderful to see our good friends happily married. Weddings always reminds us of ours, which we enjoyed thoroughly. It's almost 3 years. This year we finally didn't have something mega up at the end of the year. Previously, it was our new house. Then Eliza. Oh..ok this year will be Eliza's 1st year birthday bash.

We have been so blessed. And as always i wonder what does God have in store for us. What legacy will we leave behind? What will the future be in store? Will we eventually go beyond the shores and edge out a different life? It has been something we have been talking about lately. I'll be happy to stay here though. But as we have discussed, we want our kids to grow up in an environment where learning and not testing is the norm; where they'll grow to love the aquisition of knowledge, the ability to think, the sensitivity to be considerate...
I wonder, if in the end will our nurturing will be affected by our society? Will there be a difference in where we bring out kids up? Maybe. We may try.

In the end, in the light of education, we would want our kids to grow to love learning, not love being better than others, being top in class, (or being tested thousands of times by the time they reach 12yrs old. I'm trying, in my miserable attempts to teach Eliza to read. In the book, it write that you can teach often, but test rarely. Of course, we'll want to know whether they have learnt the word, and how to, it's by testing. However, babies/toddlers will end up not choosing the right answer if they are tested too often. Can I resist the need to gauge my kids intelligence and knowledge by tests & exams? That's where the love of learning dies...isn't it?

My thoughts are many, my time is short. So i need to sleep already...more words another time..

Midwives in Egypt

I started reading Exodus, simply because i didn't know where to start off in my bible reading. I read it in the bathroom though doing my big business, after the house has all settled down, floors cleaned, food cleared & packed, Eliza snuggled to sleep....and God spoke in Exodus 1.

The midwives who feared the Lord. Do you know about them? I guess this shed light that there was a proper profession called a mid-wife in those times. I wondered what they were like...were they large & imposing, fierce women? or gentle & encouraging, sensitive & knowledgable women? I would think that it is either. The thing was that they feared the Lord more than the pharaoh. Their faith was that deep. I mean they could be killed for defying the pharaoh, but by God's grace they were spared. Though i wonder what God thinks of them spinning the stories about Hebrew women being more vigorous than Egyptian women. Maybe it's true. But i guess it doesn't happen 100% of the time.

Their obedience led to God blessing them with families of their own. It reminds me of the verse "Delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4. Maybe there should be a phrase .."Fear the Lord....desires of your heart" Probably God meant that that delight is closely knitted to fear. Those who have young kids will probably understand.

I learnt about fearing the Lord today.

A Mother's heart

I'm reading this book for my devotion time, seeking God how i can grow in my walk with Him as a mum and seeking wisdom to parent...



"Reflecting on this, I realized that although parents have a God-given responsibility for bringing up their children, parents cannot bear the total responsibility of how each child turns out. Rather, our goal as parents is to help our children become mature, because our children must ultimately decide for themselves the direction they will take in life."

Isn't it worrying? That our children won't turn out the way we hope they will? At least that they'll turn out bad? and that we won't parent well due to our negligence, our lack of widsom, our selfishness.
Still, i need to trust in God, and know that everything is in His good hands. This mum journey (that will last till the end of my life), will be God's way of refining me as well, as i learn to guide and teach my children to follow His ways. My prayer is that their presence in this world will also make the world a better place, a light and a blessing to the people around them.

My occasional update

It's been a while hasn't it? I've been enjoying life with Eliza which is really an amazing experience. I feel a lil scatterbrained and seemingly only short-term in my planning of things. Ww's more of the visionary person of our family and this year's of his new role at work has made him rethink a lot of things & explore other options.

We recently watched the movie Singapore Dreaming and there was this tagline about working to pursue our dreams or giving up our dreams to work. which will you choose? I guess that struck a chord in Ww who felt that it made a lot of sense.

this year, a lot of our discussions, other than Eliza, was also on his career path. it's really gonna be easy to stay in what he is doing, the pay is stable and good. he recently considered pursuing a phd, and while it was an option we ever thought about, it wasn't a very real thing then. so will he eventually? there's so much to consider.

On my side? It seems like moving into a different stage of life, work seems to take a backseat. I'm not a career-minded kind of person, i know. I really value being able to stay home to be part of my lil girl's development and growth; and i'm really thankful that my company gives me the flexibilty to work 3 days a week. this really gives me some balance between staying home and working. I'm also really thankful that my mil is willing and able to take care of Eliza during the 3 days i'm at work.

so now what?

Sick and poor

I haven't been writing here because most of the time i'm writing about Eliza.

I'm sick
Since saturday..and it's almost going to be a week, and i've been to the doc twice. Once on monday, and then today. First it was the high fever....then the dizziness, then yesterday while i was out with my girlfriends for dinner, i started to lose my voice!! i feel ok except for the losing voice part. it was so difficult to want to say stuff but all i can squeak out is a whisper or a low low voice.
I hope to get well soon, i'm quite moodless cos i have not motivation to do stuff and the house is a mess.

I'm poor
after being back to work for 4 months, on 3-day week workdays, i'm finally starting to feel the pinch of my lesser salary. it's almost half what i used to earn. while i usually put almost half of what i earn to my credit card bills, i have only been able to put in half of what i used to put in. confusing? anyway i'm putting less in, Ww's paying more instead and our bills haven't gone down. sigh. i haven't given my mum $$ for this month and i dare not talk to her...cos she'll be harping on it, neither would she try to understand my plight. i hope to be able to do so next month, but that also means i can't pay any credit card bills next month. i'm wondering why our bills are so high.....but a lil swipe here, a lil swipe there and it just accumulates. i have not bought any clothes or shoes or bags since at least a month ago already and it's the Great Singapore Sale!! (we spend a lot of food...esp eat outs together, with friends or parents..i think that's the killer)

So some money saving strategies for the rest of the year
1. Eat cheap at work. go for $3-$4 plates, don't buy drinks, don't buy drinks for afternoon snacks, bring food to work instead, don't go Liang Court to buy lunch (it's ex!...sandwiches, jap food, mac etc etc)
2. Don't go out to shopping centres...cos it's just excuse to buy stuff.
3. Cook at home. I need to learn to cook at home or dabao caifan.

I need sleep.......

Grace's birthday wish list

Things money can buy
1. A good back and neck massage
2. A bumper mat for Eliza
3. Watch The Leap Year movie
4. A nice holiday
5. A good backpack as baby's outdoor bag
6. more books!!
7. Money money money anytime...ok it's to buy let's see....Eliza's books, toys, stuff..or a good new pair of shoes, new clothes maybe.

Things not necessarily bought with money
1. Deeper r/s with God
2. Deeper r/s with Ww
3. Good health for my whole family
4. Wisdom to parent Eliza
5. Wisdom to plan my time
6. Joy in all i do
7. A better memory
8....and that my hair will stop dropping